The Worst Gakuen Alice Story Ever
by FearandLoathingXIX
Summary: Now I know I've got some pretty steep competition, but I think I've got a real pile of spooge right here, and I'm willing to take you all on. Yeah. I'm ready. Time to bust out the big guns for the worst fanfiction in Gakuen Alice ever. You're ALL invited.


Hai hai! I am author-chan desu-po-po! Squeeee! My name is really... HA! Thought I was really gonna tell you my real name?! Nooooo! You can call me NAF (nimwitted-anime-fangirl) for shorty!

I have been reading Gakuen Alice fanficcy for ages and I LOVE Natsume-kun! He is my favourite little kid ever! How can ten year olds be hot!? _Answer: The Japanese as a nation are slightly pedophillic. Oh yeaaah.  
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This is my first fanficcy, so be nice to it! I dedicate this to my bestey friends on _awfulclichestorywriter _and _pointlessuselesschallengesetter_ you should go read their stuff it's REALLY GOOD! If you like NatsumeXMikan (Who doesn't!?) and RukaXHotaru and _typicalobviouspairing _you'll love their stuff! Thank youuuu for all the help with this ficcy!

Natsume: Are you going to get this over with or just babble on?

NAF-DESU: Natsume-kun! (GLOMPHS) I WUV YOU!

Natsume: Get off of me!

NAF-CHAN: Nooooo! You are so cold Natsume-kun.

Natsume: Just start the story.

NAF-DIMWIT: It's _my_ story!

Natsume: And they didn't click on the link to read your pointless driveling in fictional conversations with characters in script format ABOUT the story. In fact, no one should be reading this. If by this stage in the author's note you haven't thrown up in your mouth already YOU SHOULD HAVE. KILL THIS WINDOW NOTHING THAT STARTS LIKE THIS CAN EVER END WELL. CLOSE THE WINDOW CLOSE IT NOW.

NAF: Natsume j00 are so meaaaaan desu!

_Note: using bad Japanese mixed in with normal English is not cute or funny. It is just annoying to anyone who actually knows any Japanese and can tell that you don't have the faintest clue as to what the fuck you are doing._

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START OF STORY

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Hey, my name is Mikan Sakura and I'm going to tell you about the person I hate THE MOST in the whole world! Natsume Hyuuga is the most arrogantest, annoyingest, stupidly good-lookingest guy in the WHOLE world, and if you haven't barfed at the informal format of a cheesy first-person narrative then I'll tell you why.

So it all started with the worst day of my life! Yes! The worst, I'll tell you why.

So I go to this school called Academy Alice, right? It's for super talented people who are too talented and amazing to thrive in normal schools, and despite my background in canon of my character as a thick-skulled underachiever who made it into the school on a fluke I am instead moody, super clever, actually gorgeous and cynical about the world – as no doubt my socially outcast writer desperately wants to be or perceived herself to be anyway.

I have medium length chestnutblondeivorymagenta hair, and my eyes are redyellowpinkgreenpurpleorangeandblue depending on my mood. Sometimes I get a little crazy and my eyes change colour, it's one of my weird quirks. Other than that I'm pretty average, as I have the exact same dress sense and tastes as my author because it's not like I had an ORIGINAL CHARACTER in the first place!

Because OCs are for faggots and pairing as self-inserts, fuck the canon and make it your bitch. No one paid you to make up your own characters for Alternate universes!

"Bye Dad!" I said to my dad Narumi-sensei as I left for school in the morning. See my dad is Narumi because my mom died when I was just a little kid in mysterious circumstances that fill me with a cold and soul-numbing rage.

"Bye Sis!" said my older and younger brothers Tsubasa and Youichi. Stuffing a piece of toast in my mouth (I can eat whatever I want and not gain any weight I'm just a complete beanpole, unlike my slightly tubby writer) I rushed out the door, kissing my dad and brothers goodbye through a paradigmatic shift in the laws of space and time.

"Oh no I'm gonna be late again!" I squealed as I ran down the street in my ratty converses, drainpipe jeans and washed out band-t-shirt for the _emomcfucknuts_, my FAVOURITE band in the world. If you're wondering why I'm telling you what I'm wearing it's because I have nothing better to do until the next event of the fanfiction happens. Because you NEED TO KNOW WHAT I'M WEARING TO ENJOY THE STORY.

A flashy sports car raced by me through the puddles on the side of the road, a HUGE wave splashed up and SOAKED my pants! WHAT A COCKMUNCHER!

"HEY! BASTARD!" I screamed after the car as it vroomed away from me. "What the hell do you think you are doing?!" As the car sped off it suddenly began to skid erratically, and then it slammed straight into a tree on the side of the road and blew up.

Sometimes, when I'm mad things like this happen. It was my secret gift and curse. The reason why I was imprisoned in this academy against my will. My darkest and most-kept secret; that not even my parents knew about. One of course because she's dead, but that's obvious enough anyway; except when her ghost talks to me, because I'm clairvoyant and can also play the cello.

Out of the wreckage something stirred, and then a handsome 6ft 3 boy climbed out of the fiery mess. Amazingly he was unharmed by the destruction burning all around him, except that his shirt had been burned away to reveal his rock hard abs in ragged tatters. With the warm red light bathing his form, he looked like something out of an anime (HAHAHAHBECAUSEHEISRIGHT), and truly godlike in appearance.

"Did you make my car crash?" the raven-haired, muscled, tall and handsome boy, with the tatters of a black shirt wrapped around his muscles and a pair of socks stuffing his masculine, bulging crotch asked.

"How could I? I was nowhere near it," I, Mikan Sakura, responded icily. Who does he even think he is?! He narrowed his red hot crimson eyes at me, as if he could read my very characterless soul with them.

"I'm Natsume Hyuuga," he said.

"Mikan Sakura," I responded, because a car wreck doesn't mean you shouldn't introduce yourself to someone! In the background I heard the wailing of what could only be the driver of the car mangled and dying in the hellish wreckage of their car, but staring into Natsume's eyes I could only forget all that.

"Are you a student at the Academy?" he questioned questionably.

"What's it to you?" I retorted, because who says my character should be dictated as something so infantile as the _original fandom source. _In fact, let me save you the trouble by setting fire to it right now! FUCK CANON. FUCK IT HARD IN THE ASS WITH A BASEBALL BAT WITH A NAIL THROUGH IT, MY FAVOURITE KIND OF FUCKIN'. DIE ACADEMY ALICE DIE.

"You look pretty smart," he commented icily, and then stepped towards me. "I am also known as.. the Kuro-Neko. With powers like that maybe we'll meet sometime."

"Not if I can help it," I snorted, and then strode away from Natsume arrogantly. Playing hard to get and walking away gives him a chance to check out my smokin' junk. And by that I mean the flaming car wreck I left behind me.

"Hmmm," Natsume said, narrowing his eyes and stroking a conveniently placed beard, while his driver screamed harmonically in the background in his final throes of life. "_Interesting girl, _no one can usually resist my bodacious charms... but ...Mikan Sakura..." he said thoughtfully, stroking his bulging groin pensively. "We shall meet again."

START OF FLASHBACK

"Mikan, I am going to die." Mom said.

"NO MOM YOU CAN'T!" Mikan screamed.

"Lol too bad faggot my roflcopter goes swa swa swa...HYURK! _Swaaaaa..._" Yuka murmured with her last breath, and then she passed away, leaving her delicious lolidaughter alone in the world. But with her death she gave Mikan extraordinary powers; the powers that had been passed through the women of her family for generations... the powers of unoriginal cliché generation!

END OF FLASHBACK DO I NEED TO SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU WHAT ARE YOU RETARDED

NATSUME POV

If one cannot make up one's mind about the narrative of a story, it's best just to do everything at the same time and then label it all so as not to confuse readers. Man in _Lord of The Rings _when it's all FRODO POV: Bibblebibblebibble, then it's all GOLEM POV: my preeeccciiooouuusss and then SAM POV: What does it take to make you love me Frodo? That was totally my favourite part.

So that Mikan chick was pretty hot. I mean she destroyed my car and killed my driver but I feel strangely attracted to her, like some invisible mastermind is sitting behind a laptop screen tapping sinisterly away at the keys forcing me to contrive an ill-written romance with her. I am powerless to stop it.

First allow me to kill my original character – he will only cause trouble to me alive.

NORMAL POV

Fic-Natsume smashes a Jack Daniels bottle and then stabs canon-Natsume in the face, arms and ass, mutilating his corpse and screaming about how personality only makes him DIFFICULT to write when it should be ALL ABOUT THE HOTTIE.

He then went to work out a bit and stuff more socks down his pants.

NATSUME POV

Chicks dig the bulge.

END OF NATSUME POV

TO BE CONTINUED!!!

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NAF-PSOSDJA: So did you like my story?! First try! Review please or I won't update! I'll hold Natsume hostage until you do! All his sexy belong to me! Mmmm underage booty.

Fear: This is just awful. READ AND REVIEW PL0X IF YOU MADE IT THIS FAR YOU MIGHT AS WELL TYPE 'ASSCRACK' INTO THE REVIEW BAR AND LET ME KNOW.


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